Soldier expressions. Funny aphorisms about the army. Statuses about the army
Come to the draft board in a gray cloak and a pointed hat, with tomato juice or a red marker. Having entered the draft board, start talking with horror about the knights of the apocalypse, rushing along the corridors and drawing pentagrams and strange symbols on the walls. If they start to stop, say that this is for their own good.
Come with a bunch of garlic around your neck, with a cross (crucifix), holy water, aspen stake and a silver spoon. If they begin to take away, say that without this you will not go anywhere.
- You will definitely feel the throat. During this process, look at the doctor with horror and in a whisper, but so that the doctor hears, begin to pray;
- When the optometrist begins to shine in your eyes with a flashlight, hit him with a spoon on the forehead;
- Ear-throat-nose can be threatened with a stake or a crucifix;
- When they start checking your hearing (whispering numbers in your ear), spray holy water at the doctor (the water should be holy);
- Do not remove garlic under any pretext!
If you understand binary code, then when numbers are whispering in your ear, translate them into binary code (type 0010110001). You can bring along a piece of paper and a pen for counting.
Twitch your limbs, it is alarming. Sometimes you can stop, wait a few seconds and burst into hellish laughter.
Imagine a Satanist (you have to fork out for accessories.)
On the test, squeeze fingers on your hands and sharply unclench. When they ask you: "Why are you pulling something with your hands?" - reply in a whisper: "It's not me. It's THEY!"
You can portray a fit of bloodthirstiness. When asked why you want to serve in the army, answer: “In the army? Soldiers serve there, they are given machine guns. They can shoot them. I also want a gun and shoot! Give me a gun !!! I want to shoot people! Ahhhhhhh !!! " - at the same time, with your hands you can depict a machine gun and shoot a psychiatrist out of it, or jump up sharply and beat your hands on the psychiatrist's table, and then at the psychiatrist himself.
Scream: “I’m an iron man!” And start poking at myself with a knife or a pencil (shallow, in accumulations of fat, but so that there is blood). You can also start cutting your hands with a knife (the main thing is to do it abruptly, then it will not hurt). During this the process can be distracted by an ominous laugh.
Tell the doctor: “Look how I can!” and start biting your veins (just don’t overdo it).
On examination, shout: “Hit me! Hit me! Ahh, I’ll hit myself !!! ” - slap your jaw in all its scope, for entertainment you can fly a couple of meters or do a backflip (I'd rather beat myself than go for a year).
Glue a computer mouse to your hand (say it’s grown), put on glasses with a 1cm lens and talk to your doctor in C ++.
Walk and stroke a stuffed cat, while you can whisper something like: “Nothing, they won’t take us. Everything will be fine. Do not worry".
Walk in the dwarf's cap and drool (night cap will come off).
If the draft board is not far from home - come in a fur coat on your naked body.
Wear a black leather BDSM suit under your clothes. Arriving at the inspection, lock the door in the office and start undressing.
When your ear-throat-nose starts to check your hearing (say numbers), blush and claim that you can not speak such vulgarities (it is better if there is more than one doctor in the office). For greater effect, you can accuse him of harassment.
Bring a gun from the slot machine (which they shoot at the monitor).
Claim that you are from Mars or a chain of asteroids. If the doctor begins to make comments, close your eyes, begin to make strange movements with your hands and moo.
Bring a cable 10 meters long with you, place one end (stick) in the ass area, and ask the doctor to insert the other into the outlet so that you can charge.
Bring a friend and say that this is your imaginary friend, and let him pretend that no one sees him and loudly advises out loud, for example: "Come on, kill them!". If the doctor starts to grab him or ask about something, make an astonished look, and say: “He is different!”.
Bring two acquaintances. One should be dressed in snow-white sheets, sandals and wear a harp. The second in a black leather jacket, boots and walk with a whip (ideally try to get a halo and horns). Let them walk behind and whisper in your ear.
- One must whisper “Go, do everything right, go through all the checks and serve for the good of the motherland”;
- Let the second one say: “Kill them all! You don’t need them, a service for fools! ”
Come to the examination with popcorn and Coca-Cola, sit in front of the doctor, look into his eyes and silently eat popcorn, pretending that you are watching a movie. Do not answer questions. You can scream "movie sucks" to throw popcorn at the doctor. If he grabs you, be very surprised (but do not resist) and say “WOW! What special effects! ”
Option 2: Sit on a chair so that you look at the door, chew popcorn, and sometimes blow bubbles into the coke. When the doctor says something to you, hiss in exasperation at him and make comments: “T-s-s-s! Do not bother to watch! "
When the doctor writes a certificate, leave through the window (before that, make sure it is a low floor or ask friends to lay a mattress below).
Come in the form of a fan, with a scarf, a trick. Accompany the draftees into the office with joyful cries and slogans. In general, portray an ardent fan.
Rent a knight's armor and sword, rush to the doctor and say that you are ready to serve in the name of the king.
Option 2: Find a Space Marine costume and declare that you are ready to give your life for the emperor.
Bring the “Death Note” with you and, looking intently into the doctor’s face, ask for his name.
Come in a torn gray mantle, climb onto the table and begin to read the psalms in an unknown language in an afterlife voice.
Dress in a prison robe, put on handcuffs and go into the office with the words "Hey doc, let's go quickly, they let me go for a couple of hours."
At the physical examination, when asked to undress, tie a towel around the waist, put on sandals, dark glasses, a cap with brim, a rubber circle, take a washcloth and go out to the doctors. In response to surprised looks, ask: “What are you wearing?”
While the doctor is writing something, you can walk around the office and talk to the walls about the weather ...
You can even fight with one.
Cover yourself with shoe polish and Accuse the doctor of politically incorrect. Claim that you are a Negro, and if the doctor says anything about your appearance, blame him for racism.
Glue big headphones to your ears, ask everyone again and say that you don’t hear anything.
Go and weep for money. Hide small coins in your pants so that when they walk they ring and constantly get enough sleep.
After the inspection, ask: “I definitely went? Well then, I’m flying away ... ”- insert fireworks in the ass and set fire.
Go into the office in boots, a military uniform, a cap, with the AK47 model and shout: "I'm ready!"
Quietly go into the office, look at the doctor, freeze, make an astonished look, not taking your eyes off the doctor, take out your mobile phone, call and say: “I found it” (For effect you can lock the front door).
Buy the Sailor Moon cosplay set and retribute retribution to the doctors in the name of the moon.
Come with the system unit behind, keyboard greaves, a cloak from CDs, headphones, holding a mouse in each hand (you can wrap yourself in wires).
Pretend to be a vampire: buy red lenses, false fangs. On examination, constantly hiss and seek out the victim, occasionally drink a strange red liquid from a five-liter jar.
While the doctor is writing a certificate, as if by accident, take out the machete and start sharpening it (whistle “gop-stop” whistle at the same time).
Bring the whole family for inspection. From mom and dad to cousins \u200b\u200band cousins.
Pull the box of dynamite (you can paint red cardboard gouache from under the toilet paper). Say you always carry with you. Before leaving, you can leave it in your office.
When the doctor writes a certificate, smile, show on the next wall and say that he was filmed by a hidden camera.
Come in a business suit with a diplomat, sit in front of the doctor, put a notepad, pen, folder with documents, a bottle of water on the table and say that you are ready to start the conference.
Make, make indecent sounds. You can portray an attack of orgasm.
Sit in front of the doctor, light a cigar, put your feet on the table and say: “Well, here we are.”
When the doctor asks to undress, convince him that there is nothing interesting there, take out a dildo in front of him (the main thing is that he be like) and say that you wear separately.
Fall asleep every 10 seconds. When you begin to wake up, pretend that you do not remember anything.
Do not judge strictly if I repeat any of the above.They don’t treat people in the army, they don’t let them die in the army ...
In the army, everything is ugly, but monotonous!
In the army there is no "joint venture." There is only "pro * ball"
The soldier is sleeping - the service is on, the soldier is on - the service is on, the soldier is running, but the service is still going on ...
It’s necessary to be sick at the military commissariat, and it’s better to go healthy to the army
Everything is possible in the army, if without a pale
The two drunken spirits of the railway are stronger than the company of the airborne troops.
They don’t swear in the army, they talk on it.
The soldier is not cold, the soldier is fresh.
Brake in a company - a company in a sweat.
Us * booth, and we laugh - all the same we are demolished.
Two soldiers from the construction battalion replace the excavator. Life spirit alone replaces these two.
The best pill is a stool.
The sergeant’s goal is * fuck, the soldier’s goal is * fuck.
Who does not smoke or drink, does not swear, doesn’t get into the railways, even if he doesn’t try.
The soldier has three holidays: lunch, lights out and demobilization.
Initiative * beats the initiator.
Conscience is luxury, and soldiers are poor people
A woman gives birth to a child, and a soldier is anything!
Piss the girls on my chest, I want to wave in the airborne forces! The girls were pissing, the girls were fucking ... anyway, they took them to the railway ...
By the will of God and heaven, the guys serve in the Air Force. By the will of the demon, rail and sleepers, I got to serve in the railway
In the army it’s deaf, like in a tank, but we need it to appreciate the whole thrill of “citizen”
If the spirit sits like a mouse, do not be alarmed - this is a chip
The less the copter knows, the stronger the foreman sleeps
A stool in a soldier’s hand beats no worse than an assault rifle
If you retreat at a speed greater than the speed of the enemy’s advance, then you can catch him from the rear - the Earth is round.
The army is a club of fun and resourceful. Fun on the lip, resourceful on vacation
Dembel is not a girl, will not pass by
Here they can call us a dog and do not give a damn about our honor, but we will send them “to fuck!” and as always we’ll answer “yes!”
Only one who knows three truths can become a soldier: sleep in any position, fierce hatred of work, bestial appetite
For a soldier, a holiday is like a mare’s wedding. The head is in flowers, and the neck is in soap
Not every man is a soldier, not every man is a soldier ...
Who was a student, he saw youth. Who was a soldier, he saw life ...
Do not laugh at those in gray overcoats, but laugh at those who did not wear them
Once in my childhood I dreamed of wearing an overcoat and a helmet. Now I'm in the army ... * ball in my mouth such a fairy tale ...
Army - a dream, God forbid, still dream ...
The whole life of a soldier is a struggle. Before lunch - with hunger, after dinner - with sleep.
A soldier loves work so much that he can watch it for hours!
In the south it’s hot, in the north there is ice, and we are in the railway, we are all fucked up!
It happens that you wake up like a bird - with a winged spring on a platoon and you want to live and work! But by breakfast it passes ...
Everyone is afraid of the Russian army, especially all the guys under 27!
I believe, brother, there will be a demobilization, there will be no bastards and shoulder straps, and we will whip moonshine together with you on the hut!
Do not argue with the foreman that the Earth is round. For * you are about to align!
Colonels do not run, because in peacetime it causes laughter, and in war time it causes panic.
The orderly must not go beyond the radius of the square of his bedside table
Two pairs of boots, two pairs of HB and you can write DMB on the wall
Who works at night? Thieves, bl * di and those in the outfit
The ears freeze, the nose freezes, after dinner diarrhea, the army is a big madhouse, we live in it merrily!
He does not know love and affection, who was not in boots and hard hat
Thanks to the native army, for youth with a bald head
Wherever I am, wherever I drink, I will not forget the lads I served with!
Serve the soldiers, and don’t be afraid that someone suddenly forgot you, friends don’t forget your friend, and whoever forgot, he wasn’t
Smoke break, hang up, lunch - better than words in the world
When nations fight among themselves, this is called a war. (K.Prutkov)
The commander said the ferret - it means the ferret, and no gophers!
Short dashes from me to the next oak.
The rats warned the ship's captain that they had training anxiety.
Those who served in the army do not laugh at the circus.
Whoever comes to us with a sword will shout and receive. (N. Fomenko)
Lies fighter, could not cope with the attack
Lies fighter, could not cope with the attack (N. Fomenko)
Better to be a coward for a minute than all life dead
Better with a sweetie in a hut than with a shovel in a dugout
Any business can be done in three ways: right, wrong, and the way they do in the army
I was awarded the Legion of Honor. However, few people managed to avoid this difference. (M. Twain)
We will destroy our nuclear weapons with America. (V. Chernomyrdin)
We often regret to recall the case when Napoleon shot the editor of the magazine, but missed and killed the publisher. Nevertheless, we value his good intentions. (M. Twain)
We (Russia) are not threatened by NATO. How did you get the idea that Ukraine’s entry into NATO could threaten us? I want to say easier. We in Russia do not want Ukraine to turn from a near abroad into a distant one. Ukraine should be more concerned about this than we are! (V. Chernomyrdin)
Do not talk nonsense (N. Fomenko)
Not every general is by nature complete. (K.Prutkov)
Not every captain is a guard! (K.Prutkov)
Not every man even has a hussar uniform. (K.Prutkov)
Do not throw the fool (N. Fomenko)
No need to run away from a sniper, only you die tired (M. Zhvanetsky)
Not so scary Russian tank as his drunk crew
Would you not walk Vanek among the soldiers (N. Fomenko)
Some look courageous because they are afraid to run away (M. Zhvanetsky)
No, I don’t sleep, I just blink slowly (N. Fomenko)
No “military thinking” exists; these are two concepts between which there is nothing in common. (G. Harrison)
The first thing we spoil the planes
First of all, we’ll spoil the planes, but then the girls, and the girls later!
In front of the doctor’s office in the medical unit: “AIDS, pregnancy and other sexually transmitted diseases are sexually transmitted”
The soldier who does not dream of sleeping with the general is bad (N. Fomenko)
The soldier who does not want is bad (N. Fomenko)
On the floor slippers rumbled (N. Fomenko)
It’s good to be a lieutenant colonel, but better under general
After the end of firing, combat and training ammunition must be restored to its original state.
Put a barrier, or sensible m ayora
Russians and Chechens - like two birds that can’t get along in one den (A. Lebed)
The most unloved saying of sappers: one foot here, the other there
The most miserable thing in the world is the crowd; here is the army - the crowd; they do not go into battle because courage broke out in them - they are given the courage to realize that there are many of them and that they are commanded. (M. Twain)
Boots should be cleaned in the evening, and in the morning put them on a fresh head
Now you look out of the audience window, and the time will come, and you look out the window of the tank entrusted to you.
Sergeant! You have a daily not cut, hanging on your ears
Do you hear what they expect from us? C300. This we know what it is. God forbid! Today is C300, and tomorrow, let's do something else ... and the third day after tomorrow. This is what it is! (V. Chernomyrdin)
Hire: gas mask - for 6 seconds; condom - in 5 seconds; bra - in 4 seconds; night watchman - with three attempts
Soldier without a shovel - violation of the uniform
Tanks are not afraid of dirt!
Tanks are not afraid of dirt!
Comrades kursanty! When detecting a nuclear explosion, the most important thing is to turn your back on it so that the steel does not drip from the bayonet onto the reproduction bodies or official boots
Comrades kursanty, what are your surnames? - Ivanov, Petrov, Sidorov! - What are you, brother? - No, namesakes
Comrade cadet! You are like an African bird, an ostrich, which from the height of its flight does not see the general line of the party
Comrades soldiers! Today, a naked woman is found on the door in the nightstand. By the forces of the outfit, we tore it off and threw it into the toilet. Who does not believe - can go and make sure
Accuracy - politeness of snipers
We have created all the conditions that must be overcome in order to become a real officer.
Killed while trying to commit suicide
You may not shine with your mind, but you must shine with your boot
Hearing the barking of a patrol dog, the sentry duplicates his voice
A man who served in the army does not laugh at the circus.
What burst like a horse? Do you have no language to knock?
What kind of toenails have you grown? Like an eagle, even climb trees
What did you, comrade cadet, draw such an uneven square? Are you color blind?
This explosive is in the form of plasticine.
It’s you not to twist the bolts on the chips!
This is not for you to hedgehogs!
It’s not for you to drive soap in the basin!
It’s not for you to fill a fur coat in your underpants!
This is what! It happens much worse: for example, when planes fall, and people survive ...
I met with many police officers who died, with demonstrators who died; and everyone asks me a question ... (Vit. Klitschko)
I ordered to place all the puddles on the parade ground so that the officers would not urinate on the way home!
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