06.08.2017

The book We include charm in accordance with the methods of special services in brief. Sammari

The book includes charm according to the method of special services tells about the golden rules of friendship, the formula of friendship, verbal non-verbal signals and how to make friends

Jack Schafer, Marvin Carlins - About the Authors

Jack Shafer   - Former FBI Special Agent, Professor of Psychology, Consultant. Over 15 years he was engaged in counter-terrorism research, trained special agents in techniques of influence and persuasion. The author of six books and numerous articles.

His company Schafer and Associates trains lawyers, law enforcement officers, and security services.

Marvin carlins   - Professor of Management, University of South Florida, Ph.D. in Psychology at Princeton University.

He is the author of 24 books, including the bestselling books What Every Body Is Saying and It’s a Jungle in There, and more than 200 articles in professional, scientific and popular magazines. Advises large international companies.

Turn on the charm of the special services - Book Review

The ability to make new friends and maintain long relationships is available to everyone. For this, only three conditions must be met:

- you must sincerely want to master the methods conducive to successful communication;
  - it will be necessary to constantly apply the techniques described in the book in everyday life;
  - Remember that under a lying stone, water does not flow. Practice is important and only practice.

Chapter 1. The formula of friendship

The friendship formula, according to the authors of the book, looks like this:

Friendship \u003d proximity + frequency + duration + intensity

Proximity  means the distance between people, as well as the regular appearance in the field of view of another person. It causes attraction between people, even if they have not talked to each other. For proximity, it is important to be in a safe environment. Otherwise, when a person is too imposing his presence, he can only cause a feeling of rejection.
Frequency  Is the number of contacts, and the duration is the time during which each contact occurs.
Intensity  - This is a qualitative sign, a means to maximize the satisfaction of the needs of another person with the help of verbal or non-verbal behavior.

Knowing and correctly applying all the components of the friendship formula, you can analyze and establish almost any relationship (and also gradually reduce to zero the unwanted ones).

Chapter 2. How to draw attention to yourself before the first word is spoken

Most often, people first see you and only then hear, so non-verbal signals play a very important role in our lives.

Use the three main signals of friendliness:

1. During head tilt   carotid arteries are exposed to the right or left, through which oxygen enters the brain. The rupture of at least one of them almost immediately leads to death. Obviously, when threatened, people pull their heads into their shoulders, but open their neck when they meet people from whom they expect nothing bad. Men who communicate with their heads slightly tilted to the side seem more attractive to women. Men say the same thing about women who bow their heads to the side while talking.
2. Eyebrow game   implies their short-term throwing up. This gesture at a meeting says that people do not pose a danger to each other. Having received this signal, we send in response the same, meaning that we have no bad intentions. This gesture is also used at a distance: for example, if other people are separating you from a stranger, you can send this signal. If a person answered, it means that you are interested in him.
3. Sincere smile   is a powerful signal of friendliness, it shows that we are in a good mood and are in a positive mood. Smiling people seem more attractive, confident and open to others. But the main difficulty is to smile sincerely. ,

Chapter 3. The importance of non-verbal signals

Eye contact is a very important component when trying to make an acquaintance. With it, you send a signal to another person. It is very important for the first time to look at a person for no longer than a second, otherwise a closer look will be perceived as a signal of hostility. Complete the first look is worth a smile.

Touch also refers to friendly signals, but use it with caution. On the one hand, a light touch (for example, on the back of the hand or shoulder) can have a positive effect, but on the other hand, you can cause a negative reaction of a person. If, when touched, he pulls his hand, frowns, or steps back, it means that he is not yet ready for closer relations and you need to continue working on their formation.

Another way to build relationships is to imitate the interlocutor’s gestures. For example, if a person has crossed his legs, you can do the same. The interlocutor, most likely, will not notice your intentions, since all people use the same gestures and accept the same poses, the brain of another person simply will not fix anything unusual.

If you constantly encounter difficulties when trying to make new acquaintances, think about it, and you will not (perhaps even involuntarily) send the following signals of hostility:

- a long gaze
  - appreciative look,
  - rolling eyes
  - squinting eyes
  - frowning eyebrows,
  - the tension of the facial muscles,
  - aggressive posture
  - attack signal,
  - offensive gestures,
  - wrinkled nose.
  If you have noticed at least one of the listed signals, you should start working on correcting the situation.

Chapter 4. The Golden Rule of Friendship

If you want to please a person, make yourself like him. It is suitable for establishing both short-term and long-term relationships. Its effect is obvious: if a person grows in his own eyes when communicating with you, he will want to see you much more often.

The most effective technique is the use of sympathetic statements. Phrases such as “It looks like you had a hard day today,” “You look very pleased,” let people know that they are being taken care of and that they have been listened carefully. Thus reacting to the words of the interlocutor, you raise his self-esteem.

Also do not forget about the compliments. They must be sincere and with the help of them you must emphasize the best sides of another person.
  It is also very useful to conduct a dialogue so that a person remembers his merits or achievements and mentally praises himself. In this case, you will definitely be pleasant to your interlocutor, because you made it so that he liked himself.

Chapter 5. Laws of Attraction

Laws of attraction are tools that increase the effectiveness of relationships.

1. The law of similarity (common ground) . Most likely, friendship will arise between people with similar interests, worldview or profession. When you see a stranger, take a closer look at him and try to find similarities in something.

2. Replacing (secondary) experience, that is, experience experienced by you from the words of another person. This method is effective because it allows the interlocutor to talk about himself and what he knows and loves, and thanks to this he can be elevated in his own eyes (remember the golden rule of friendship).

3. Positive side effect.   It also happens that two people become friends due to the fact that both were at the right time in the right place. When a person feels well, he can connect this condition with other people and perceive the interlocutor more favorably. This effect is especially evident when playing sports, when as a result of training a person experiences a surge of strength and is therefore more disposed to communication. So if the person you are interested in goes to the gym, it makes sense to sign up there.

4. Curiosity.   A man by nature is very curious, he is interested in a lot. Therefore, if you are embarrassed to get to know yourself first, you can interest others in your view so that they themselves take the first step. If you have any hobby, you can come to the coffee house and do what you love (for example, draw). It is very likely that they will want to meet you in order to find out first what you draw, and then who you are, where you come from, etc.

5. Openness.   People are pleasant to those interlocutors who share personal information with them, openly express their feelings, in response they are also ready to be frank. But at the same time, it is always important to adhere to the middle ground: when meeting (and even in further communication) you should not be too frank and provide intimate details, but you also do not need to talk abstractly.

Chapter 6. The language of friendship

If you want to establish friendships during the conversation, follow four main rules:

Rule number 1 “Listen”   means that you should concentrate fully on what your interlocutor is saying. Delve into the meaning of what has been said, do not be distracted by extraneous thoughts and external factors. But at the same time you do not need to look at a person inseparably. Suppress the temptation to kill the speaker. Use sympathetic statements. Try to feel the emotional mood of the interlocutor.

Rule No. 2 “Observe” implies that you must feel every detail before, during and after the exchange of information. Be sure to analyze non-verbal signals. Remember that the same words can affect different people in different ways. And if you suddenly noticed a non-verbal negative reaction to some of your words, you will have a chance to immediately save the situation (check with the interlocutor what exactly he did not like; explain what you meant; apologize if necessary).

Rule number 3 "Watch the intonation"   states: “It’s important not only what you say, but how.” Of great importance here is the tone of the voice, since it can attract or alienate the interlocutor. Often the timbre of the voice expresses our attitude to the person more than the words themselves. No less important is the pace of speech.

Rule No. 4 “Compassion”   implies the use of sympathetic statements. Show the person that you understand him, that his feelings are important to you.
  And some more tips for successful communication:
  - Speak less about yourself, give the floor to the interlocutor;
  - Do not complain about your problems - no one likes to talk with whiners;
  - Do not touch on topics that are unpleasant to the interlocutor;
  - do not waste time on empty chatter, as they say, "about nothing";
  - Do not gush with emotions, they should be in moderation.

Chapter 7. How to establish and maintain a long-term relationship

Friendly long-term relationships are based on 4 components:

1.  Participation (Interest) . A person who actually cares, expresses a genuine interest in the affairs of another person, he sympathizes and is ready to help. The proverb is true, "A friend is in need." Agree that it is easier to maintain good relations when things are going well, but it is in crisis situations that the essence of a person is manifested. Note that it is not necessary to wait for a critical event to participate. It is enough to cheer up at the right time, make a pleasant surprise for no reason, help to cope with any task ... Even in such seemingly trifles sincere concern is shown.

2. During active listening friendly verbal and non-verbal signals are used, which we have already talked about. We also note that if you have proved to be an active listener from the very beginning, then as the relationship develops, you will get more advantages. You will learn to better understand the partner, his interests, fears, needs, you will know exactly what it is worth and what you should not talk to him about.

3. Reinforcement means using rewards and punishments towards another person. Unfortunately, the reality is that the vivid feelings that are always present at the initial stage of the relationship gradually cool down. But this is not a reason to move away from each other. Praise your partner for good deeds, do not forget about important dates for him, express your gratitude publicly (for example, with relatives or friends), encourage your partner to make both decisions that are important to you.

4. Sympathy   - the key to a successful relationship. To sympathize means to understand what your partner is currently experiencing. In this case, you will know exactly how to encourage him, how to support, how to raise his spirit, how to calm and how to regain strength. Empathy and compassion are never forgotten and therefore valued the most.

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Psychology professor Jack Schafer worked for many years as a special agent of the FBI and taught other agents techniques of influence and persuasion, which are sometimes unthinkable without personal charm. According to him, there is a golden rule, using which you can win over any person. And it sounds like this: " Make your interlocutor like yourself».

How to achieve this? website  gives 6 excellent tips by Jack Schafer, which he has repeatedly tested in work and in life.

1. Make a mistake

When Jack Schafer starts lecturing at a new stream, he seems to accidentally make a mistake in the pronunciation of a word and allows students to correct themselves. “I pretend to be embarrassed, thank them for their attention and correct the mistake,” says Jack.

He uses this technique to achieve 3 goals. Firstly, when students correct a teacher’s mistake, this makes them feel more confident. Secondly, they begin to communicate more freely with the mentor. Thirdly, they allow themselves to be mistaken.

2. Talk to people about yourself.

We are too busy with ourselves and have very little interest in the people we meet. But, in order to please people, you need to be sincerely interested in them.

“You will make more friends in two months if you show genuine interest in people than in two years of trying to interest them in yourself.” (Dale Carnegie)

« When people talk about themselves,  it doesn't matter - in a personal conversation or in social networks, the same pleasure centers in the brain are involved as from delicious food or money". (Robert Lee Holtz)

These two quotes show how important it is to talk with people about their affairs in order to win their favor. Take an interest in their family, biography, children, their opinions on this or that occasion, and gratitude, sometimes unconscious, is provided to you.

3. Give a compliment from a third party

Sometimes direct compliments sound too intrusive. Many people are not ready to accept them or experience discomfort.  In such cases, it is better to use a third-person compliment.

For example, you want to ask the accountant Anna Ivanovna for some kind of favor and you put the following phrase: “Anna Ivanovna, by the way, the head of the personnel department said that you are the most conscientious employee of our company.”

It is not necessary, of course, to praise any professional qualities, it is possible personal. For example, like this: “Anna Ivanovna, the head of the personnel department, still recalls your onion pies that you brought for your birthday.”

4. Do not forget to sympathize

Each person is pleased to know that he is carefully listened to and his emotions are shared with him. Of course, if a person begins to talk about how he had a hard day, you should not moan: “What a horror, oh you, poor thing!” Especially if it's your boss.

An ordinary saying like: “Yes, today was a difficult day for you.” It happens to everyone!" If a person says that he managed to cope with a difficult business, you can summarize this: “It seems that today you are doing fine. It's great!"

We must convince the interlocutor that we share his feelings and understand him. Moreover, if you are trying to support a person, you do not need to accurately reproduce his words. The interlocutor may be wary: he will perceive the repetition as something unnatural.

5. Ask for a favor

The words of Benjamin Franklin are famous: "The one who once did good to you is more likely to help you again than the one to whom you yourself helped." This phenomenon is known as the Benjamin Franklin effect. A person who is courtesy of another person grows in his own eyes.  That is, if you want to please a person, then it’s better not to do him a favor, but ask him to do a favor. Of course, do not abuse requests for help.

As the same Franklin wittily remarked: "Guests, like a fish, start to smell foul on the third day." The same can be said of people who too often ask for favors.

6. Make yourself praise yourself

There is a very thin line between the usual compliment and flattery, therefore it is better to make the interlocutor praise himself. For example, someone tells you this story: “In order to close this project, I worked day and night.” Here we can say: "Yes, it takes iron will." Almost guaranteed, the interlocutor will answer something like: “Yes, I had to try to complete the project on time. Of course, I did a great job. You can’t say anything. ”

The ability to make people praise themselves is aerobatics. Practice it, make people happy. And you will definitely like it.

All of these tips are certainly not a call for hypocrisy. We just want to help you do business with other people and live with everyone in the world.

Jack Schafer, Marvin Karlins

The Like Switch:

An Ex-FBI Agent's Guide to Influencing, Attracting, and Winning People Over

Published by permission of Touchstone, a Division of Simon & Schuster, Inc. and the literary agency Andrew Nurnberg

Legal support for the publisher is provided by the Vegas Lex Law Firm.

© John Schafer, Ph.D. and Marvin Karlins, Ph.D., 2015

© Translation into Russian, publication in Russian, design. LLC Mann, Ivanov and Ferber, 2015

This book is well complemented by:

Robert Cialdini, Steve Martin and Noah Goldstein

Paul McGee

Susan Weinshenk

Mark Goulston and John Ullman

Mark Goulston

My wife Helen, gifted with love, a strong character and, moreover, patience, which allowed her to bear my eccentricities during the thirty years of our marriage.

Jack Shafer

My wife Edith and daughter Amber. I thank you for what you are, for what you have achieved, for the love that has enriched the lives of many people.

Marvin carlins

Introduction

How to call a location

It would never have occurred to anyone to decipher the FBI abbreviation as the Federal Bureau of Hospitality. In this organization, I worked for twenty years as an agent specializing in behavioral analysis, and over the years I have developed the ability to quickly evaluate people, understand their characters and develop a strategy for behavior with them. My responsibilities included convincing people to cooperate with the FBI, acting against their home country, or to identify criminals and persuade them to confess, sometimes without saying a single word. As a specialist in behavioral analysis, I have developed a strategy to recruit spies and make friends from sworn enemies. In other words, I acquired skills and created techniques that turned the enemies of the United States of America into friends and voluntary spies in favor of my country. In short, I was faced with the task of winning the sympathy of people.

The case of Vladimir (I changed the names and personal characteristics of the people mentioned in the book and sometimes created some kind of character to make the examples more visual) perfectly shows what the point is. Vladimir illegally arrived in the United States for espionage. He was caught trying to seize the secret documents of the Ministry of Defense. As the FBI Special Agent, I was assigned to work with him. At the first interrogation, he stated that he would not talk to me under any circumstances. In order to overcome the arrested’s resistance, I began by simply sitting in front of him during interrogations and reading the newspaper. I read for quite some time, then folded the newspaper, laid it on the table and, without saying a word, left the office. Day after day, week after week, I came to the interrogation, read the newspaper, left it on the table and left, and Vladimir sat with a blank expression opposite, chained to the table with handcuffs.

Over the next month, we talked about anything but espionage. Then, one fine day, Vladimir suddenly said: "I am ready to talk about what I was doing." He began to express his thoughts freely and openly, not because he was forced to do so by force, but because he liked me and he began to consider me his friend.

The interrogation technique that I applied in my work with Vladimir may seem pointless. But in fact, I carefully planned my actions in order to get the arrested person to confess and cooperate with the FBI. In this book I will reveal my secret and explain how I won the favor of Vladimir, and how, using the same technique, you can evoke sympathy from almost any person for a while or for a lifetime. I can do this because, as it turned out, the communication skills developed by me with the aim of gaining the friendship of potential agents and their recruitment can be equally effectively used to establish friendships at home, at work and in any other places and communication situations.

I must admit, at first I did not understand that you can use my professional skills in everyday life. This opportunity caught my attention only at the very end of my career with the FBI. At that time, I was teaching young intelligence officers how to recruit agents. One day, before the start of a new semester, I arrived at work half an hour before class to prepare a classroom. To my surprise, there were already two cadets in the class. I did not recognize them. They sat like model pupils in the front row with their hands on the table. Such behavior of cadets surprised me a lot: they rarely came to classes at such an early age. I asked what happened, who they were and why they came so early.

- Do you remember Tim from the previous group? Asked one of the cadets.

“Yes,” I answered.

- A couple of weeks ago we were with Tim at the bar. He told us about your lectures on influencing and building trust.

“And what? ..” I asked, still not understanding where he was driving.

- Tim boasted that he learned in class how to pick up any girl.

“And we decided to test it,” continued the first. - We chose the first woman who came across who was sitting in the bar, and suggested to Tim without a word inviting her to sit at our table for a drink.

“And what did he do?” I asked.

“He accepted the challenge,” cried the cadet. - We decided that he was crazy and takes too much on himself. But after forty-five minutes, the woman actually approached our table and asked if she could sit in our company. We did not believe our eyes, but everything happened just like that.

I looked at them probingly.

“Did you find out how he did it?”

- Not! - exclaimed one of them, and then they admitted in unison: - We have come to learn!

At first, I felt bewildered and reminded them of our profession. I said that the purpose of the classes is to train cadets in exploration skills, and not to educate pickup masters. But after a moment of thought, it suddenly dawned on me, to my own surprise. After thinking about Tim’s eccentricity, I realized that the methods for recruiting spies can be used to win in love games. Moreover, in a broader sense, this technique can be used in all cases when it is required to win a person’s location in almost any interpersonal interaction. This insight became the starting point of work on this book and determined its content.

How often do we complain about not being able to approach the person we like and start a conversation? Or that it is not held in high esteem by the authorities precisely because of their isolation and silence? More communicative colleagues receive highly paid places only because they know how to charm their leadership with their charm and eloquence. Want to take your personal or professional relationships to a higher level? Read the book by Jack Schafer and Marvin Carlins “Turn on the charm according to the methods of special services” - and your dreams will come true.

Good personal relationships are available to everyone. This is not a matter of luck or chance. Building a harmonious interaction with others, those who have certain knowledge on this issue. The authors of the book “Turn on the charm by the method of special services” will teach you everything you need to know. After reading this psychological guide, your liking coefficient will increase significantly. You will even be surprised how quickly and easily you turn into a completely different person - open and sociable.

The main formula of friendship, deduced by Jack Schafer and Marvin Carlins in his work, is equal to the totality of proximity, intensity, frequency and duration. As you can see, there is nothing complicated in such a psychological equation. The authors also provide information on non-verbal signals issued by humans. You will learn to read people like an open book ... gestures, facial expressions of your opponent will give you more information about a person than what he says. The book "Turn on the charm by the method of special services" is provided with illustrations, which will further contribute to the memorization of important information. The most important thing that people forget when talking is the ability to listen. Those who have this quality in their arsenal are considered smart, well-mannered people, it is easy and pleasant to be with them, because they are not fixated on their own person.

The book by Jack Schafer, Marvin Carlins “Turn on the charm according to the methods of special services” will be useful for everyone. It is worth reading to those who started working in the new team, who conduct sales training, who want to find their love or improve personal relationships. Illustrative examples and methods will help you establish contact with various people, regardless of age, gender, position in society. And do not forget that one of the authors of this psychological guide is a former FBI agent who devoted more than 15 years of his life to the topic of counter-terrorism research. And who, no matter how the agent of such a powerful intelligence agency does not know how to exert a psychological influence and convince other people.

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