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I hear you read through online. Mark Goulston: I hear you through and through. An effective negotiation technique. Arguments for a Suicide

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Mark Goulston

I hear you through and through. Effective negotiation technique

...

All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without the written permission of the copyright holders.

Legal support for the publisher is provided by VegasLex Law Firm

© Mark Goulston, 2009. Published by AMACOM, a division of the American Management Association, International, New York. All rights reserved.

© Translation into Russian, publication in Russian, design. LLC Mann, Ivanov and Ferber, 2010

This book is well complemented by:

Radislav Gandapas"Kama Sutra for the speaker"

Stuart Diamond“Negotiations that work”

Stephanie Palmer“Came, saw, convinced”

Kerry Patterson, Joseph Granny, Ron Macmillan, Al SwitzlerKey negotiations

Warren Bennis, teacher and friend.

It was thanks to you that I realized that if you listen carefully to people, try to understand what exactly they want, and help them to the best of their ability, then they will let you talk yourself into almost anything.

In memory of Edwin Schneidman, a pioneer in research and suicide prevention, the founder of the Los Angeles Suicide Prevention Center, my esteemed mentor.

“If you listen, you can always hear the pain, fear, suffering, hopes and dreams of others. And if people feel that you are listening and understanding, they will open their minds and hearts to you ”(Edwin Schneidman).

To my readers.

Glad I can give you these important lessons.

Foreword

Executives, CEOs and sales managers often say: "Talking with this person is like knocking your forehead against a stone wall."

When I hear this, I reply: “Stop it. Look for the weakest stone in this wall. ” Find this “stone” - that is what a person really needs from you, and you can overcome the highest barriers and communicate with people in a way that you could not even dream of before.

These thoughts lead me to my friend and colleague Mark Goulston. Mark has an almost magical ability to win over anyone: company CEOs, managers, clients, patients, members of their families and even those who have taken hostages because he always finds a “weak stone." Mark is a true genius in communicating with the most uncommunicative people, and in this book you will find all the secrets of how he succeeds.

I met Mark through his books “Get Out of Your Own Way” and “Get Out of Your Own Way at Work”. His books, his work and, more importantly, Mark himself impressed me so much that I made us become business partners. Now Mark is one of the intellectual leaders of Ferrazzi Greenlight and my trusted advisor. Watching his work for a long time, I can explain why everyone - from the FBI to Oprah Winfrey - is rumored when Mark talks about how to convince people - his methods are so simple and effective.

And by the way, do not focus on the fact that Mark is a psychiatrist. In addition, he is also one of the best business communicators that I have ever met. Bring him to the office where everyone is at war with everyone, or to the sales department, which cannot get the attention of customers, and Mark will solve the problem quickly and so that everyone benefits from it.

If you want to achieve the same success, you will not find a better teacher than Mark. This is a brilliant, cheerful, kind, capable of captivating a person, and his stories - from stories about uninvited Sunday guests to speeches by senior politicians - can not only entertain you, but also change your life. So enjoy and start using new skills to turn impossible, uncommunicative, stubborn people into your allies, loyal customers, loyal colleagues and friends.

...

Kate Ferrazzi

Part one

Secrets of Persuasion

Some lucky people seem to possess a magic wand when it comes to persuading other people to take part in their plans, to achieve their goals and fulfill their desires. But actually persuading people is not magic. This is art ... and science. And it's easier than you think.

Who is holding you hostage?

Good governance is the art of making problems so interesting and their solutions so constructive that everyone wants to take part in working on them.

Paul Hocken. "Natural capitalism"

There are constantly people in your life whom you need to convince of something. If this fails, you lose your temper. It can be someone at work - a subordinate, a member of your team, a client or a boss. Or someone close - a spouse, parent, child or embittered "former".

You tried everything: logic, persuasion, strength, supplications, anger - but each time it seemed to rest against the wall. You lose your head, scared or disappointed, and think: "What will happen next?"

I would like you to think of this situation as a hostage-taking. Why? Because you cannot be free. You were captured - because of resistance, fear, apathy, stubbornness, selfishness or the desires of another person, and also because of your own inability to take effective action.

It is at this moment that I appear.

I am an ordinary person - husband, father, doctor. But quite a long time ago I discovered a special talent. You can throw me in any situation - and I can convince people. I can convince tough executives and angry workers that they must start working together to solve problems. I can get attention from collapsing families and couples who have come to hate each other. I can even change the intentions of people who have taken hostages or are on the verge of suicide.

At first, I was not sure that I was doing something different from what everyone else was doing, but I had no doubt that it worked. I knew that I was not smarter than others, but I realized that this success was not just luck: my approach always worked with completely different types of people in completely different situations. I did not understand only one thing: why does this work?

Analyzing my methods, I found the answer. It turned out that I came across a simple set of techniques (some I discovered myself, and some I borrowed from my teachers and colleagues), which ensured success. A common feature of these techniques was that they attracted people to me, even if they tried to distance themselves from me.

To understand this, imagine that you need to drive a car into a steep hill. If you try to do this at high speed, the wheels will slip, and the car will not obey the steering wheel. But if you just lower the gear, you get complete control. It’s as if you are pulling the road to yourself.

Most people trying to convince others include overdrive. They convince. They are pushing. They are arguing. And thereby create resistance. If you start using the techniques that I offer, you will get the exact opposite - you will listen, ask, repeat and mirror what you heard. When you do this, your opponents will understand that they are seen, understood and felt. And this unexpected downshift will bring them to you.

Powerful techniques that you learn from in this book can shift people's opinions from “no” to “yes” easily and quickly, often in minutes. I use these techniques every day - to help couples on the verge of divorce, companies on the verge of bankruptcy, teams of managers unable to organize effective cooperation, and sales managers to help them make “impossible” sales. I use them to help FBI agents and negotiators, so that when the hostages are released, they will succeed in the most difficult situations when it comes to life and death.

In fact, as you will see later, you have a lot in common with negotiators when it comes to how to make contact with people who do not want to listen to you. That is why the book begins with the story of Frank.

...

Frank sits in a car in a parking lot near a large shopping center. There is nobody around him because he is holding a shotgun at his throat. Special forces and a team of negotiators have already been called. Special forces arrives and is placed behind the machines, trying not to catch Frank's eye.

While negotiators are waiting, information is being gathered about Frank. He is a little over thirty, he worked in the customer service department of a large electronics store, but six months ago he lost his job because he was rude to customers and colleagues and even broke into a cry. Frank went through several interviews in search of work, but did not find it. He has a wife and two young children, and there were often scandals in the house.

A month ago, the wife took the children and went to her parents in another city, saying that she needs to take a break in relations, and he needs to think about his behavior. At the same time, Frank was driven out of the apartment, because he could not pay the rent. He moves to a wretched room in a poor area of \u200b\u200bthe city, stops taking care of himself, bathes and shaves, and eats almost nothing. The last straw is the demand to free this room, which he was exposed the day before.

The main negotiator arrives. He walks up to Frank and says in a calm voice:

“Frank, I'm Lieutenant Evans.” I want to talk with you. There is a way out of this situation, and no one will harm you. I know you think that you have no choice, but in fact there is a choice.

“What do you know about this shit ?!” You are the same as everyone else. Leave me alone! - Frank exclaims.

“I can't do this,” Lieutenant Evans answers him. “You are in the center of a large parking lot with a shotgun attached to your throat, and I must help you find another way out of this situation.”

- Go to hell! I don't need anyone's help! - counters Frank.

The conversation lasts almost an hour, with pauses that drag on for several minutes. As information about Frank becomes available, it becomes clear that he is not an inveterate villain, but just a confused person in life and a desperate person. The special forces team is ready at any moment to neutralize him if he threatens with his shotgun to anyone else, but all those present continue to hope for a peaceful resolution to the conflict. Nevertheless, the situation is quite complicated and the chances of success are slim.

An hour and a half later another negotiator arrives, Detective Kramer. He attended the negotiation training that I am conducting for the police and the FBI.

Detective Cramer has already been introduced to basic information about Frank and the progress of the negotiations. He offers Lieutenant Evans a new move:

“I ask you to tell this guy:“ I'm sure you think that no one except you knows what it feels like when you tried all the options, and now you think that you have only one left, right? ”

- What to say? - asks Evans.

Kramer repeats:

“That’s it:“ I’m sure you think that no one except you knows what it is like when you tried all the options, and now you think that you have only one left, right? ”

Evans agrees, says these words to Frank, and he answers the question:

“What do you want to hear from me?”

Evans repeats the phrase, and this time Frank replies:

- Yes, you're right, no one knows how to live in such a situation!

Kramer addresses Evans:

- Well, you got one “yes”, you need to continue, and offers to ask the following question: “I’m sure you feel that no one knows what it is like to start every day with the thought that everything will go wrong again I’d like it, right? ”

“Yes, the same thing happens every damn day!” - Frank answers.

Kramer asks Evans to repeat what he has just heard and receive additional confirmation:

- And since no one knows how hard it is, and nobody cares, and everything is not going as you would like, you are sitting in your car with weapons now and with the desire to stop it all, right?

- Tell me more. What exactly happened to you? When was the last time in your life that everything was in order and what happened then? - offers Evans.

Frank begins to recall what happened to him after his dismissal.

When he pauses, Evans says:

- I see ... Tell me more ...

Frank continues to describe his problems. At one point, from Kramer’s prompt, Evans says:

“And because of all this, did you get angry?” Or disappointed? Or lost confidence? Or lost hope? Tell me exactly how you felt?

Evans waits for Frank to find the word that best describes his feelings.

“I'm sick of everything,” Frank finally says.

- So you felt that you were tired of everything, and the demand for eviction was a turning point? - clarifies Evans.

With a few suggestions, Frank went from a complete rejection of communication to a willingness to listen and speak. What happened? The most important phase of persuasion, which I call “retraction,” has begun. The stage at which a person moves from resistance to readiness to listen first, and then to understanding what has been said.

What made Frank begin to listen and get involved in the words of Lieutenant Evans? After all, this shift was not accidental? The secret is to voice exactly what Frank thought about, but what he didn’t say out loud. And when the lieutenant’s words became consonant with Frank’s thoughts, he got into a conversation and began to say “yes”.

Persuasion cycle

You may never have to face the situations faced by police and special forces negotiators. But don't you also have to convince someone of something every day?

The answer is: almost everyone you meet. Almost all acts of communication are attempts to get people to do something different from what they did before. Perhaps you are trying to sell or explain something to them. Or maybe you want to impress them, for example, to convince you that you are the most suitable candidate for this job or promotion.

This is precisely the main problem. All people have their own needs, desires, plans and secrets that they want to hide from you. They are stressed, very busy, and often feel that they are not up to the task. To overcome stress and a sense of danger, they erect mental barricades that make communication difficult. These people are in opposition to you and make communication almost impossible, even if they share your goals.

You come to them with your arguments and arguments, or resort to disputes, or encouragements, or requests, hoping to establish contact, and most often you do not succeed. Instead of understanding, you are thrown aside, and you can not understand why this is happening. Remember how many times you walked away from a failed buyer, from an office meeting, or from a friend with whom you argued, shaking your head and saying to yourself: “Damn, what happened?”

Good news: you can make contact with anyone. To do this, you just need to change your approach. The techniques that I describe in this book work for emergency negotiators, but they also apply to your conversation with your boss, colleague, client, spouse, or even with your child. They are simple and you can use them in any situation and at any time.

These techniques work because they address the very foundation of successful communications, what I call conviction cycle (see fig. 1.1). I was inspired by the ideas of James Prochazka and Carlo Di Clemente, published in the book Transtheoretical Model of Change, and the work of William Miller and Steve Rolnik Motivational interviewing.

Fig. 1.1. Persuasion cycle

The process of persuasion is phased. In order to guide people from the beginning to the end of the persuasion cycle, you must talk to them in a way that nudges, promotes them.

- from resistance to listening

- from hearing to deliberation

- from deliberation to the desire to do

- from the desire to do to action

- from action to a sense of joy from what was done and to the continuation of the action.

The focus of attention is the main message and purpose of this book: “the secrets of how to be understood by absolutely everyone”, in that you convince people to get a “purchase” from them, which happens when a person moves from resistance to listening to what you say it.

It’s especially interesting and important that the key to “buying” and moving people around the cycle is not what you tell them, but what you make them tell you and what happens in their head during this process .

In the following chapters, I will give you nine basic rules and twelve quick techniques that you can use to advance through the persuasion cycle. Gain experience in their application, and then you can combine them so that they begin to work in any situation in your professional or personal life. These are the same concepts that I teach FBI agents and negotiators to build empathy, reduce conflict, and achieve a “buy” solution. When you study them, you will no longer have to be held hostage by fear, anger, indifference or hidden plans of other people. At your disposal will be all the tools in order to turn any situation in your favor.

In this book you will find many options for action in any situation. This is due to the fact that no matter how similar we are, no matter how we behave the same in a particular situation, each of us has his own view and his own approaches to everything in the world. The rules that I will talk about in part two are universal, but you can choose the techniques from parts three and four as you wish - so that they match your personality type and lifestyle.

Secret: just convincing

The approaches mentioned on these pages have nothing magical. One of the secrets that you have to reveal is that convincing people is much easier than it seems. To illustrate this, I will share with you the story of David, CEO, who, with the help of my techniques, completely turned over his career and at the same time saved his family.

David was a competent person in his field, but very difficult to communicate with. His management style can be called dictatorial. His service station quit, saying that he really likes the company, but he cannot work with such a boss. It was obvious that in such circumstances, company employees worked below their capabilities. Investors considered David rude and arrogant, and he hardly found funds for the development of the company.

...

I was invited by the board of directors to find out if the situation could be changed. After meeting with David, I had very serious doubts about this, but I was obliged to make an attempt to establish contact with him.

When we talked about management style, I suddenly asked:

- Do you communicate the same with your family?

“It's funny that you asked about this,” he grinned.

- Why? I asked.

“My son is fifteen.” He is a smart guy, but very lazy, and I can not do anything about him, although I tried everything. Grades in the diary are bad, and my wife spoils him. I love him, but ... disappointed in him. We were with a psychologist who said that he had some problems with concentration. The teachers tried to help him, but he did nothing that he was asked for. I know he is a good guy, but I just can’t imagine what to do with him.

I insisted that David learn some simple communication techniques and ask them to test them at work and at home. We agreed to meet in a week, but after three days I received a message from him: “Please call me as soon as possible. We have to talk".

I thought, “Oh my God, what happened?” - called back and heard an excited voice.

“Doctor,” said David, “I think you saved my life.”

- What happened? I asked.

“I did exactly what you told me,” he answered.

- Do you mean the board of directors and colleagues? How are you…

“No, I'm not talking about them,” David interrupted, “I haven’t talked to them yet.” The point is my son. After our conversation, I returned home, went into his room and said that I need to talk with him. I said: “I bet I know how you feel. You think that none of us knows what it feels like when you are told that you are smart, but you cannot use your mind to achieve results. So?". And tears appeared in his eyes - exactly as you said. “I asked him the following question, of those that you suggested,” David continued. - I said: “And I bet that sometimes you want to not be so smart that none of those around you would expect good results from you, would not push you, would not require you to try, right?” He cried ... And tears came to my eyes too. And then I asked him: "Are you worried about all this?"

David continued in almost a whisper:

- The son could hardly speak. He said that it was getting worse and worse, and he did not know how much more he could endure. And that he disappoints and fails everyone and always.

When David said this, he himself did not hide his tears. “Why didn't you tell me everything is so bad?” He asked his son, and told about what happened next with an undisguised pain in his voice: - My son stopped crying and looked at me with anger and resentment that had tormented him for many years. “Because you didn’t want to know anything about this,” he replied. And he was right.

“I had no right to leave him at such a moment.” I said: “We have to fix it. I will transfer my laptop to your room and will be with you when you do your homework. I can’t leave you alone when you feel so bad. " We spent several evenings together, and I think the situation has begun to change. - David was silent for a moment. “You helped me get the bullet out, doctor.” What can I do for you?

“Do in your company what you did with your son,” I replied.

- I.e?

“You gave your son the opportunity to let off steam,” I continued. - And when you did this, he himself told what the problem was, and you coped with everything perfectly. But there are many other people - from advice to a team of leaders who see you exactly the same as your son saw, and they also need to let off steam and tell you what you are wrong about them.

David held two meetings - one with the board of directors, the other with a management team. He said approximately the same thing to each group. And both groups tensed up and prepared for another verbal flogging, when at first David emphatically announced that he had gathered everyone to say that he was very disappointed, but he continued with the words: “I am very upset that I attacked everyone instead of listening, especially when you sincerely tried to protect our company and me from me. I didn’t want to listen, but now I am ready to do it. ”

David told his colleagues and partners about his son and concluded his speech with these words: “I ask you to give me another chance, because I think that the situation can be corrected. If you want to express your opinion once again, I will listen to you and with your help I will find ways to implement your ideas. ”

The board of directors and the management team not only decided to give David a second chance, but also met his words with applause.

What is the moral of this story? The fact that the right, right words have tremendous healing power. In the case of David, several hundred words saved his work, his company, and his family.

But there is another lesson here. Compare the two stories told in this chapter and you will see that both Detective Kramer and David used the same approaches to achieve completely different goals. Kramer kept the man from suicide, and David not only escaped his dismissal and thereby saved the company from collapse, but also saved his family. The effectiveness of these techniques, as well as those that you have to learn, is that they can be applied to almost any person and any situation.

Why is one single set of communication tools so versatile? Because, although we are all different (and our problems are also different), our brains work the same way. In the next chapter, we will see how our consciousness “buys” or “refuses to buy” and why communication with an uncommunicative person depends on a conversation with his brain.

Mark Goulston

All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without the written permission of the copyright holders.

Legal support for the publisher is provided by VegasLex Law Firm

© Mark Goulston, 2009. Published by AMACOM, a division of the American Management Association, International, New York. All rights reserved.

© Translation into Russian, publication in Russian, design. LLC Mann, Ivanov and Ferber, 2010

This book is well complemented by:

Radislav Gandapas"Kama Sutra for the speaker"

Stuart Diamond“Negotiations that work”

Stephanie Palmer“Came, saw, convinced”

Kerry Patterson, Joseph Granny, Ron Macmillan, Al SwitzlerKey negotiations

Warren Bennis, teacher and friend.

It was thanks to you that I realized that if you listen carefully to people, try to understand what exactly they want, and help them to the best of their ability, then they will let you talk yourself into almost anything.

In memory of Edwin Schneidman, a pioneer in research and suicide prevention, the founder of the Los Angeles Suicide Prevention Center, my esteemed mentor.

“If you listen, you can always hear the pain, fear, suffering, hopes and dreams of others. And if people feel that you are listening and understanding, they will open their minds and hearts to you ”(Edwin Schneidman).

To my readers.

Glad I can give you these important lessons.

Foreword

CEO (English chief executive officer) - the highest officer of the company (general director, chairman of the board, head). Defines the general strategy of the enterprise, makes decisions at the highest level, performs representative duties. Note ed.

CTO (English chief technical officer, or chief technology officer, - "technical director") is a leading position in Western companies, corresponding to the Russian "chief engineer". One of the leaders of the corporation, responsible for its development and development of new products; CTO usually manages the entire technological part of production. Note ed.

Daniel Goleman, Emotional Intelligence, AST, AST Moscow, Guardian, 2008

Steam - In Golf: The number of strokes an experienced player needs to advance to the next hole. Note ed.

UCLA (University of California, Los Angeles) - University of California, Los Angeles. Note ed.

No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without the written permission of the copyright holders.

Legal support for the publisher is provided by VegasLex Law Firm

This book is well complemented by:

Radislav Gandapas"Kama Sutra for the speaker"

Stuart Diamond“Negotiations that work”

Stephanie Palmer“Came, saw, convinced”

Kerry Patterson, Joseph Granny, Ron Macmillan, Al SwitzlerKey negotiations

Warren Bennis, teacher and friend.

It was thanks to you that I realized that if you listen carefully to people, try to understand what exactly they want, and help them to the best of their ability, then they will let you talk yourself into almost anything.

In memory of Edwin Schneidman, a pioneer in research and suicide prevention, the founder of the Los Angeles Suicide Prevention Center, my esteemed mentor.

“If you listen, you can always hear the pain, fear, suffering, hopes and dreams of others. And if people feel that you are listening and understanding, they will open their minds and hearts to you ”(Edwin Schneidman).

To my readers.

Glad I can give you these important lessons.

Foreword

Executives, CEOs and sales managers often say: "Talking with this person is like knocking your forehead against a stone wall."

Kate Ferrazzi

Part one

Secrets of Persuasion

Who is holding you hostage?

Good governance is the art of making problems so interesting and their solutions so constructive that everyone wants to take part in working on them.

Paul Hocken. "Natural capitalism"

It is at this moment that I appear.

Perhaps, after reading this book, the doors of the largest companies in the world will not open before you. But we guarantee that from now on you will not have any omissions and misunderstandings with your subordinates, colleagues and boss, and your spouse and children will no longer angrily slam the door in your face after another loud quarrel.

And you know why? You will learn not just to convince people, but to hear them and understand their fears and aspirations!

It is this ability (the ability to listen and hear) that, according to Mark Goulston, underlies successful negotiations. And he knows exactly what he’s talking about, because he has undergone the most serious scientific and practical activities in the field of psychiatry, as well as the training of FBI negotiators and top managers of companies such as IBM, Bloomberg, Federal Express and Accenture.

This is a great book for businessmen who need to negotiate and manage their employees every day. For their children, who need to find a common language with their parents every night. For everyone who wants to be heard and understood and is ready to hear and understand the other.

Title: I hear you through and through. Effective negotiation technique
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Advantages
1. The above techniques are psychologically very deep, taken from the practices of psychotherapists, coaches, negotiators. They really work.
2. These techniques are described in a very understandable language for people who do not have a psychological education and do not delve into other people's brains. A sufficient number of use cases, real phrases, and stories from life help make the first steps in using the book very simple.
3. There is a lot of positive in the book, after it there is confidence that there are almost no uncomfortable, problematic people - you just need to understand the motives of others.
4. The book is written interestingly, there is no boredom. I want to read it to the end.

Disadvantages:
The book is more about making contact, building good relationships, rather than negotiating. Negotiations are not limited to good relations and empathy.

Finding a definition for the emotions that you experience at every stage of the crisis is simple enough, and this is part of the solution; but this is only the first step. That is why those who, during the crisis, confine themselves to shouting “damn it!” Shout no way.
Therefore, as soon as you find the right names for your emotions and thereby find a foothold for the human layer of the brain, you have to begin a gradual rise from panic to control. Here's how to do it:
Hell exercise - agree
"Damn it!" (reaction phase). Do not deny that you are upset or scared. Instead, identify your feelings and acknowledge them by naming each with your own name. If you are alone, say them out loud, as the physical act of exhaling will additionally help you calm down.
If you have the opportunity to leave for one two minutes - be sure to do it. If this is not possible, in no case do not talk with anyone during the first seconds. You need to fully focus on recognizing and identifying your feelings. If you have the opportunity to close your eyes at least for a minute, do it.
"Oh my God!" (unlock phase). After you acknowledge that you have powerful emotions, start breathing slowly and deeply through your nose, closing your eyes, until the emotions are weakened. Once you are free of emotions, continue to breathe and relax. This will allow you to begin to restore internal balance.

What is this book about

Who is this book for?
For...

Read completely

What is this book about
We constantly need something from others, be it colleagues and clients, superiors and subordinates, children and spouses. On whether we manage to get this, something important often depends - a career, for example. Or at least a vacation spent according to our wishes.
And every day we convince someone of something (some even get paid for it). And far from always successful.
How, faced with a blank wall, to break through it and achieve the desired result: get an answer, persuade to do something or not to do ...? The key to successful negotiations is the ability to listen and hear the interlocutor and the ability to understand what he expects from you. This idea, in general, is not new, but there are still very few sensible methods.
This book is written by a scientist and an experienced negotiator in one person. Mark Goulston, a practicing psychiatrist, tells how to develop listening skills and how to apply it not only and not so much at work, but in everyday life.

Who is this book for?
For businessmen who need to negotiate every day and manage their employees. For their children, who need to find a common language with their parents every night.
For everyone who wants to be heard and understood and is ready to hear and understand the other.

Why we decided to publish this book
Because the topic of successful negotiations is still relevant as never before - despite the huge number of books on negotiations. And also because ...

"Chip" books
Mark Goulston coaches the best FBI negotiators. When such a specialist shares his experience, it’s a sin not to use it!

9th edition.

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